I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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