If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
