You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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