You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
