After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
