Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
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I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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