I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
