how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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