what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
two words...techno handjob
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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