It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
