Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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