it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
