bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
