I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
