My cat gives me a boner
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
whose parrot is this?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
