how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
