ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
