she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
