I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
