Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
