Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
