I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i think my cat just said my name.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
