I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
