tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
