I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My balls are so social today.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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