Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
