I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
