so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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