I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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