The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
