After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
