I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
