I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
