Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
