you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
