oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
