Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
