Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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