grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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