a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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