before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
