so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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