What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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