You smell like stripper and shame
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
