I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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