Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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