Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
