i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He told me they were just razor bumps!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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