My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
