My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
