If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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