you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
