dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
